Thursday, May 1, 2014

Because I love her

"What is wrong with the little one? She seems frail."

 I was a little bit surprised by the incredibly bold question, but I  replied, with a smile, "Oh, she has some medical problems,but she is making great progress."

"Really, why would you want a sick one?"

I stood there. Shocked. Hurt. Sad. My head was swirling. I looked down at my sweet girls, trying to figure out what to say.

And again she spoke, "Well at least you knew she was sick before she came home, right? That has to make things easier."

I wanted to speak, but nothing would come out. I was angry at her. I was angry at myself. I needed to say something, but my thoughts were all jumbled up. Trying not to cry, I left, praying my girls had not heard what had just been said.


I have had some time to process that day, and I feel like I need to say something. I need to share what is on my heart.
Knowing that Ayla was sick before we brought her home, did not, and will not ever make it any easier. Ever.

There is a woman on the other side of the world, one that I do not know, but I do know her daughter...our daughter...our Ayla. There are details that I will not share. They are not my details to share. They belong to Ayla. But, I do know this, that incredibly brave woman on the other side of the world did what she thought best so her daughter could live. Because of that, Ayla is my daughter now too. There is nothing easy in knowing any of that. Nothing.

We wanted Ayla, more than anything. Sick or not sick. It did not matter. When we saw her face, we knew we were going to be a part of her story. Bringing Ayla home was something we did because of love. Love is such a powerful thing. It sure changes things.

When I look at Ayla, I do not see a diagnosis {or two or three}. I see my girl. My beautiful girl. I see grit and spunk all rolled into one. I see joy and laughter. And more strength and determination than I could ever wish to have. It is easy to love that girl.  

Loving Ayla does not make my heart hurt less. Or my fears go away. Or my anxiety lessen when we wait for test results. Knowing she is sick can be the worst feeling ever, simply because I love her. I am her mama. Being a mama means that when your child is sick you want to make them better. Being a mama means you worry. It means you are afraid sometimes. It means that you will do what it takes no matter what the cost or how it makes you feel. It means that when your child struggles, you struggle too.

 I want to take all of her heartache away. All of it. I want her to live a long healthy life. I want good things for her, just like I do for all my kids, no matter what they face in life. 

I am Ayla's mama, and because I love her, it does not make knowing any easier.


Melissa said...

Sorry for what you had to hear, Becca! So great to see a picture of you and Ayla though! Thanks for sharing. It is never easy to hear things like that. Standing with you! And a very happy early Mother's Day! Isn't it one of God's most amazing gifts to be a Mother to these kiddos?! Melissa

Anonymous said...

And... You are a great mama; not only for Ayla but for all of your children.

"Fear not for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you... For I am the Lord your God..
~Isiah 43:1-3