Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Living Life

We have had a lot of questions about how we are doing and how Aliyah is doing.
 Some have even wondered if we are crazy...

I know that it has been a bit since I have updated my blog. I honestly have so much to say and so much on my heart and not near enough time. It is all swirling around in my head and I hope to get  some of it out without typing a jumbled mess. I have typed and deleted, typed and deleted...

When we first met Aliyah her eyes were dark and empty... there was nothing but sadness. She was shut down and lethargic. She did not want to eat or drink. Her feet never hit the floor and it took days for her shoes to come off - she desperately wanted them on. She clung to Joel for dear life. She was terrified and scared.

Now, she is doing well, for the most part. She is a very social girl who loves her siblings. She adores her daddy. She seems to like me now too. She is a very easy going child who sleeps well. All of that seems and sounds great but the truth is she has no idea that we are her parents and she has no idea what having parents even means. She is not attached or bonded to us yet. So, we are working hard at keeping her world small and working on forming a solid attachment. That can be tough at times, especially when the rest of the worlds sees a cute, happy, social girl.
Trust is such a fragile thing. It is lost in an instant and it can take many years to get it back. It may take a long time for Aliyah to trust us (and probably even longer for Dane).

So, Are you crazy??

Yes. Yes, we are! We are crazy in love with our God who has brought us down this path.We are crazy in love with all of our beautiful, wonderful children...ALL of them! We are crazy in love with all the orphans in this world. We are crazy in love with China, Korea and the USA. . There are days, yes, when I an tired and beat. When life and the pain that comes with it seem too much. When the pain of my children's past seem daunting and the behaviors that result are hard...when my love does not seem like enough. There are moments I cry to God begging for His help. The dark nights when I lay awake wondering if we have made the right choices...when we look at our savings account statements and realize there is not much there. There are times when I wonder if we should have recovered a bit more financially after Joel lost his job almost 9 yrs ago. We struggled for many years after that. The second he started making more money we started working on bringing Dane home...and then a year later Aliyah. Moments when I wonder why we are still in this dated house (that we cannot seem to sell). Moments when I am jealous of what others have and wish we had it too. Moments when I want to hoard all the eartly posessions I can. There are times, like in China, when I just wanted to quit; the pain of my daughter rejecting me stung and hurt so deep.

There was nothing that prepared me for that. I knew it was possible, I had read the stores. Even heard the stories. Heck, Joel lived thru it with Dane. But oh my, everything in me hurt like never before. I had prayed for her, longed for her, cried many tears over her, dreamt about holding her and hearing her laughter... and she  h.a.t.e.d  me. Nothing, I mean nothing, prepared me for that moment. It seemed as if God had turned His back. I felt like He left me. I questioned myself and questioned God. My tears just flowed.

But the moments come.
Out of no where.
When the smiles start to show.
And the laughter returns.
When the trust starts to form.
When love starts to make a difference.
And the peace and contentment come.
They might not last forever, but the moments come. Bringing renewed strength. Reminding us why we are on this journey.  Reminding us of the love our Father has for all of us.
It reignites the love, the fire and passion that I have for the least of these.
I look at my beautiful children, and Yes, I am crazy for them all. I am crazy for my God. They are worth more than any earthly possession I will ever own!!

As for us, all is well here. We are living, learning and trying new things. We have had bad days, but we have had many more good days. Yet again, we are adjusting and growing in ways we never thought. We are following the lead of our Father the best we can. We are trusting, although sometimes hard, that He is leading us to what is best. We are praising God for all he has given us.




1 comment:

Melissa said...

Becca, thank you so much for working through the hard thoughts and putting this into words. You did it so beautifully. Praying for you all, dear sister. We'll keep remembering HIS sacrifice and love and He will get us through the hard times and bless us with His joy and strength at all times. Thank you! You and your family are a true blessing!

"Fear not for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you... For I am the Lord your God..
~Isiah 43:1-3