I have struggled with posting this because it is so personal, but here it is.
We started our journey to child #5 late this summer. We have decided this time to adopt from China. For so many reasons we decided China was the right choice, but it was a very hard choice to make as Korea holds a very special place in our hearts.
Going into a 2nd adoption we were a little more "realistic" in our expectations. We know all to well that the wait at times is excruciating. Having to depend on others to "get to" your child half way around the world is so incredibly hard. Having to trust others to care for your child while you wait just does not feel fair. Filling out stacks and stacks of paperwork is tiring. But we know, in the end, it is sooo worth it.
Oh, about a month and a half ago we got a call asking us if we had seen the beautiful children waiting for families on our agencies (specific) list. And we had.
This time around we (Joel and I ) decided that we were going to take our time and not rush around, stay up way too late like crazy people trying to get all of our paperwork done and cram appointments into our already busy schedule.
Her sweet face was on that list. We could not get her out of our minds. She looked like an old soul, almost like she was too wise for her age. She is not quite a year old. We knew she had some special needs but we requested her file and had an International Adoption Pediatrician review her file. The news we got was devastating, her prognosis was poor.
But, for some reason we could not "let her go". We prayed for her (and still are), we researched her possible condition(s). We asked the agency if we could get an update on how she is doing now.
And this is where we are at now...waiting....
It has been 5 weeks since we asked for the update and were told that we might not receive one. I just don't understand, I really don't. How does a family interested in a child not get an update?
We really do not know what to do now. We may never hear how she is doing. So, now what?
My nights have been restless, I have been in prayer for her many, many nights. We don't know what to do. Do we step out in faith and say, "yes!" Do we say we can't parent her and leave "it" with out closure, knowing she might be doing OK? We know she is a prized possession in the eyes of our Heavenly Father, we know she is fearfully and wonderfully made just as God intended her to be. Are we not trusting God enough to step out in faith and say, "God we know you have us in your hands, let your will be done." Or, are we being realistic and saying , "God, we know our limits and we are not able to parent her knowing the possibility of her condition(s), it is too much for us." Are we being selfish??
We have been praying and praying. I have given up a few of my favorite things this past week in hopes that I could have some clarity from God. Joel woke up at 1 am this morning with her on his mind. I was awake too.
So far this is what I have:
"And I will give you treasures hidden in the darkness- secrete riches. I will do this so you will know that I am the Lord your God, the one who calls you by name."
Last night as Joel and I were awake and talking, we kept feeling like we need to step out in faith and trust that God will close the door if it is not what He wants.
But for us, we don't know- Is the door open or is it closed? Is He saying, "I won't give you an update because I know your hearts and having to make the choice to parent her or not is too hard for you." Or is he saying, "Have faith!"
So, we wait.....
Her birthday is coming up in about 2 days. Please pray for her (baby L). It just breaks our hearts to think of her in an orphanage and nobody celebrating her, telling her how special she is - it is just another day. We are praying she will know and feel the love she deserves to have. And for now we just pray for her.