Wednesday, January 18, 2012


My son's ability to say a new word has reminded me of something very important. I have been struggling with "this" the past month or so as I have been dealing with my biological dad's cancer diagnosis (as well as his other illness). I wish I could say more, but I can't. Dealing with my dad is really hard to do.

Love is Dane's new word. It usually takes him 2 tries before it it comes out right. Every time he says it it makes me smile; it makes this mama's heart soar. It really is the cutest thing ever! Dane has come so far. Actually, we both have come so far;we have grown together, not always gracefully but we have made it, gotten "here" to the place where the world feels right.

There was a time when I longed so desperately to hold Dane in my arms. There were days that I had to fight the tears of wanting him home  just to make it thru the day; there were moments when I clung for dear life to to the only ounce of faith I had left. I felt so prepared to have him be in our life, in our families life. I never knew that my love for him would be tried, in every aspect of our life, the moment he was placed in our arms.

He cried the second he was put in our arms. He cried for days. He did not like me. He did not like my husband. He was hard to deal with. I felt total despair at moments. There was nothing we could do to make him feel better or to make him like us. We knew he was hurting. We tried our very best to help him feel better, with no success. He was a stranger to us and we were to him too.

His crying turned into an anxious attachment to me and a strong dislike for my husband. I could not leave his side for a second. He was terrified to close his eyes for fear that I would leave. He never slept, which in turn created a very miserable toddler. He begged for food all the time. He screamed every time my husband walked into the room. He was miserable and was not afraid to let us know.

I am embarrassed to admit this, but I did not feel love for this angry, hurting child. But I don't think he needed me to feel love for him. Love is not a fuzzy warm feeling. Love is not rainbows and sunshine. He did need me to love him though. He needed a loving mama and a loving daddy too.

We held tight to this verse. I read it all the time. It got me through some really tough days:

Love is always patient;13  love is always kind; love is never envious or arrogant with pride. Nor is she conceited, and she is never rude; she never thinks just of herself or ever gets annoyed. She never is resentful; is never glad with sin, but always glad to side with truth, whenever the truth should win. She bears up under everything, believes the best in all, there is no limit to her hope, and she will never fail.
1 Corinthians 13: 4-7

We tried our very best to make sure we showered him with God-like love, even though there where days when we did not feel love for him. And soon the warm and fuzzy feelings that I dreamt about began to surface. Dane began to laugh and smile. He began to trust. I began to feel like his mama for real. He wasn't just an angry toddler anymore, he was my son and I was proud to be his mama! He began to like his daddy too. I remember the first time he cried when Joel left the room. Oh, how we celebrated that moment.

It is amazing how when we love someone with true love, God's love, we come to a place where we feel such peace. It is amazing how loving someone the way God wants us to transforms relationships.

I am not in anyway saying that I am perfect because I am not at all. I have made many mistakes and have been less than loving on more than one occasion.

God has used my little boy to teach me many, many things about God's true love. I am forever grateful for God's amazing love and His gentle reminders.

1 comment:

memoriesmama said...

You are so correct that love is not a feeling. It is an action and many times we need to choose to show love.

"Fear not for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you... For I am the Lord your God..
~Isiah 43:1-3