A few days ago Dane was really struggling. We had had a few rough days in a row. I think the holidays and lack of schedule was hard for him. Parenting a hurt/ing child is hard, really hard sometimes and somedays it is really rewarding and the best thing ever. One day in particular I felt like Dane and I were really out of sync. To be honest, I was ready for bedtime. Finally bedtime came and we did our usual routine and all went well. And then, Dane was up, and up again, and up again. At about 12:45 am, I was almost asleep, I heard him calling for me again. I muttered to myself, "Please just go to bed, I am so tired." I ended up bringing him into bed with me. Some may not agree with me, but with Dane I always assume his bad days are when he needs me the most. Somedays yes, he is just being a typical toddler, somedays it is grief of some sort...I usually follow my heart to determining what he needs.
That night he laid in bed next to me, very quiet. He just stared at me with his big brown eyes. I couldn't help but notice how beautiful he is. His dark hair was shining in the light form our nightlight; he looked so grown up, he didn't look like the baby we brought home. I began to think about the reasons he was in our family and I began to get really sad and frustrated with some of the opinions of this world.
In Korea Dane was viewed as unworthy because of his social standing (as an orphan) and because of his issue with his hands. He would have really struggled if he stayed in Korea- he could never be redeemed of his lower status. He would have been very lucky to find a job, a wife or get into a good school. He would have always been judged for things that were not his fault.
I began to think of his birth mom too. If she would have decided to parent him, she too, would have been judged. She would have been lucky to find a job and her family probably would have turned their backs on her. She would have had a really hard time even finding a daycare that would watch her son.
As I looked at her son, our son, some more, I began to wonder how she was feeling. Were her arms aching to hold her son? Would she love to parent her son, even on his bad days? Does she wish she could comfort her son, even in the middle of the night? Would she do just about anything to stand in my shoes, even for a minute, so she could hold her son one last time?
I began to feel guilty for being frustrated with Dane and for wishing he would just go to sleep. God has blessed me with the amazing opportunity to parent this wonderful boy. How did I get so lucky? God was reminding me how blessed I am to be his mommy. Even on his bad days I am so very blessed. For my son (as well as my other children) was made in the image of God, he was made just as God wanted him to be...and God never makes mistakes.
I know we will have some really hard days ahead as we continue to talk with Dane about why he is in our family. I do not have all the answers and I am sure we never will. I can't imagine how he will feel when he learns how life probably would have been if he stayed in Korea. I hope we can convey enough to him how incredibly special he is. I hope our answers will bring him enough comfort. And I hope the words of this world will never keep him down.
We all have value, we all were created in the image of God.
13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
16 your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ~Jeremiah 29:11